♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Traveled down the road and back again
♪ Your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidant
♪ And if you threw a party
♪ Invited everyone you knew
♪ You would see
♪ The biggest gift would be from me
♪ And the card attached would say
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
Sophia, listen, how about this one?
"Elderly white male with broken hip seeks elderly white female.
"I am into massages, bran muffins and the book Final Exit.
"Please respond quickly, or I'll do it. I swear I will."
Too much pressure. Moving on.
Okay, here's another good one.
"Recent widower seeks widow.
"I am handsome, intelligent, and possess great style.
"I am also incontinent but have learned to laugh about it."
Well, that's a keeper.
What is going on here?
I'm looking through the personals to find myself a man.
Remember what that is, Dorothy?
It's an animal, kind of like a woman, except that it's got a...
Ma!
I know what a man is,
but I tell you, I would never look for one through the personals.
And you know why?
Because I have standards.
I have intelligence. I have class.
And you know what else I have?
It's not self-awareness. That's for damn sure.
Hey, listen to this.
"Older gentleman seeks lady of refinement.
"I like moonlit nights, romantic Italian dinners
"and waking up in the morning.
"If you're old enough to remember when Sinatra was skinny,
"please send letter and photo."
This is the one. He's perfect.
I found myself a man.
I just got a call from Thor Anderson in St. Olaf.
He's going to be in Miami next week,
and we're getting together for dinner and to talk about old times.
So?
I don't know a Thor Anderson in St. Olaf.
But he certainly knew me.
Boy, it's finally beginning to happen.
I'm getting old and forgetting things,
forgetting people who, at one time, were important to me.
Don't be ridiculous. You're as mentally fit as you ever were.
We all are.
Oh, thank you...
Sophia. Sophia.
You're welcome...
Rose. Rose.
Any wonder we get nursing-home brochures
by the truckload?
The guy from the ad will be here any second.
How do I look?
Ma, you forgot to zip up your dress.
I didn't forget. He's probably got arthritis.
Why make it any harder?
(DOORBELL RINGING)
That's him.
All right, now, Sophia, remember, honey, play hard to get.
It drives a man crazy.
Yeah, read that somewhere, did you?
Play hard to get. Play hard to get.
Take me here. Take me now.
I'm sorry. I'm looking for Rose Nylund. I'm an old...
(STAMMERING)
Rose, it's me, Thor.
Thor? Thor Anderson!
I can't believe it.
Everybody, this is... This is Thor Anderson.
DOROTHY: How do you do? Hi. Hi, everybody.
Rose and I used to date one another back home.
Oh, we had some pretty wild times, didn't we, Rose?
(CHUCKLING)
Did we ever!
Listen, why don't I go get things settled at my hotel,
then I'll come pick you up, and we'll go to dinner?
Oh, we got a lot of catching up to do.
(CHUCKLING)
Do we ever!
(LAUGHING)
Great. I'll be back soon.
I haven't the slightest idea who that man is.
Rose, what is wrong with you?
I mean, why didn't you just tell him that you don't know who he is?
And hurt an old friend?
Boy, Dorothy, no wonder nobody likes you.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
I'm sorry, but I already know Jesus.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
I'm afraid there's been a mistake.
We're here to see Sophia Petrillo.
Oh, won't you come in?
Are you Marvin from the ad?
Yes, he is. And are you Sophia?
Well, he doesn't look like he'll kill me.
Yeah, I'm Sophia,
and only one little question remains.
Who the hell are you?
I'm Sarah, Marvin's sister.
Marvin, don't you have something for Sophia?
Here.
Hey, it talks.
Oh, Marvin is just a little shy.
He'll warm up and be more talkative when we go to dinner.
What do you mean, "we"?
Well, Marvin's eyes aren't what they used to be,
and he's not allowed to drive,
so he asked me if I would.
I hope you don't mind.
Marvin wants so much to make a good impression.
What do you say?
No visible means of life support.
I like that in a man.
Let's roll.
(DOOR CLOSING)
You know, I always hoped my mother would meet a nice couple.
Blanche, you simply have to help me.
I've been out with Thor twice now,
and I still can't remember who he is,
and he's coming here for dinner tonight.
Oh, Blanche, please eat with us.
You can ask questions I can't.
Oh, all right, fine,
but I still don't understand why you cannot remember this man.
He says you seriously dated.
I mean, how many boyfriends could a naive farmer's daughter
possibly have had?
Two? Three?
Well, it depends. What's your definition of a boyfriend?
Any man you bring to a fevered pitch of uncontrollable ecstasy.
Oh.
Fifty-six.
Excuse me?
I had about 56 boyfriends.
Of course, that was before I knew Charlie.
I probably would have had more,
but I wasn't allowed to start dating until I was a senior.
Fifty-six? Fifty-six?
Oh, God, stand back. She's gonna blow!
What do you mean you had 56 boyfriends?
You told me you were a virgin till you got married.
Hey, you can have a boyfriend
without having to go all the way.
You cannot!
If that were true, Rose, that would mean you were a slut.
Oh, come on, Blanche, how can you say that?
So the woman had 56 boyfriends in one year.
She's not a slut.
Thank you, Dorothy. She is the slut.
She's the Grand Pooh-Bah of Slutdom.
She's the easiest woman in this room.
Dorothy Zbornak, you take that back.
The slut is dead. Long live the slut.
Okay, listen up.
I've got man trouble, and I need advice from someone with experience.
I'll be happy to help. I hear you're a tramp, Rose.
Mama was right. Word gets around fast.
You know, I've been dating this guy
for a couple of days, and I really like him.
Oh, Ma! Honey, that's wonderful.
Girls, isn't that great?
I'm the biggest slut.
Sophia, don't you think you might be rushing things?
Please! The man is 86.
Right now, it's a race between me
and the blood clot in his leg to see who gets him first.
So what's the problem?
His sister. It's weird.
We can't do anything without her.
I haven't been alone with him yet.
You know how hard it is to make out with a guy
when his sister's sitting next to you?
Boy, do I ever. Boy, do I ever.
Now, you stop that. You just stop that.
Listen, Ma, I have an idea.
Why don't I go and pick up Marvin, bring him here,
and that way, the two of you can be alone?
And Blanche and Thor and I will be out on the lanai,
so you'll have the living room all to yourselves.
You're all willing to do this?
Well, of course.
Now, come on, let's go pick out the teeth you'll wear tonight.
Oh, Thor, you sound like you were
quite a pistol back in high school.
Well...
I'll bet you had a nickname.
I sure did.
Tell her what it was, Rose.
(LAUGHING)
No, it was your nickname. You tell her.
Oh. Okay, it was Skipper.
Why Skipper? 'Cause you liked boats?
No, I liked to skip.
I got beat up a lot as a child.
Um, well, were you and Rose really serious?
Oh, you bet.
In fact, Rose Lindstrom gave me my first real kiss.
I'll never forget that. Remember, Rose?
Do I remember?
Would anybody like some more wine?
No, no, no. No more for me.
In fact, I have to visit the little boys' room.
I'll be right back.
Blanche, that's it.
Now I remember who he is. Who?
Thor Anderson was the boy
who took me to the Valentine's dance my senior year.
I asked Thor to take me just to make Charlie jealous.
Oh, I feel awful. I used Thor.
You say that like it's somethin' bad.
Blanche, this is serious.
I mean, he thinks I cared for him, and I didn't.
Oh, Thor, I have a confession to make.
No, Rose, I have a confession to make.
Please.
It has taken me nine years,
ever since I heard Charlie passed away,
to get up the nerve to say this,
nine years to build up the courage
to tell you how I feel,
nine years to save enough money for the bus fare to Miami.
I love you, Rose. I've always loved you.
I've waited a long time for you,
and I've finally come to take you back home with me.
Now, what's your confession?
My roommate doesn't wear underwear.
I just want you to know, Marvin,
since this is our fourth date,
I wouldn't blame you if you tried to steal a little kiss.
That's because you're very understanding.
Maybe I'm being a little too subtle here.
Give me your hand, Marvin.
Now, what do you feel?
A MedicAlert tag?
It's my heart. Can't you feel it pounding?
Would anyone here care for an... Get out! Get out! Get out!
You know, Sophia, we shouldn't be doing this.
Sarah's gonna be here any minute...
Look, Marvin, I know you two are very close,
but frankly, she's starting to get on my nerves.
Sophia, you mustn't speak about Sarah like that.
Oh, wake up, Marvin.
The woman's a control freak. It's time you got rid of her.
No, don't say that.
She has no right to run your life. She's only your sister.
She's not my sister. She's my wife.
Dorothy, you can come in now.
I thought the two of you would like some nice, cool lemonade.
Marvin is married to Sarah.
You don't get any lemonade.
I didn't mean to just blurt it out, but I can explain,
and I know you and your daughter
must have a lot of questions.
You bet we do.
And by the way, Dorothy's not my daughter. She's my lesbian lover.
Ma.
See, Marvin? How do you like it?
Not a pretty picture, is it?
Marvin, what the hell is going on here?
Isn't it obvious?
They put an ad in the magazine to lure
an unsuspecting cutie like me into their web of sex games.
They want me to be their love slave.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Hi, I've come to pick up my brother.
Well, if it isn't Mrs. Caligula.
Come on in and pull up a whip.
You two have a lot of explaining to do.
I'm sorry, Sarah.
I told them we're married.
Oh, dear.
Why did you lie to my mother?
I didn't want to lie.
We were going to tell the truth
as soon as we were sure that Sophia was the one we wanted.
Then it is true!
You wanted my mother for sex games.
Oh, God, this is so unbelievable.
It's not that unbelievable.
Sophia, the truth of the matter is
I'm dying.
My doctors say I have very few months left,
and I told Marvin that I won't be able to rest in peace
unless I know that he has someone else.
That's where you come in, Sophia.
I want you to take my place.
Again, we're sorry for springing this on you.
I know it came as quite a shock.
Our hearts go out to both of you,
and as soon as Ma and I have talked, we'll get back to you.
So you'll seriously consider this?
Well, of course, we will.
How could we not?
What a pair of loons!
Ma, this does it.
No more of this manhunt nonsense.
I'm getting you a plant.
What a night. Tell me about it.
Sarah isn't Marvin's sister. She's his wife.
She's dying, and she wants Ma to replace her.
I mean, this is why she's been on all their dates
and asked so many questions.
Ever since she found out what her prognosis is,
well, she and Marvin have been searching desperately
to find a replacement.
And the replacement? My mother.
Sophia, I know how much you liked Marvin.
Honey, I'm so sorry it didn't work out.
I'm gonna do it.
Oh, come on, Ma, you can't be serious.
Sarah is dying. It's terrible, but I can't change that,
and I--I really care for Marvin.
And if we can all be happy together and not be alone,
what's wrong with that?
(DOORBELL RINGING)
That's Thor. Blanche, would you mind?
We're going to need our privacy.
Now, Rose, that's not fair.
I want to see you dump him.
Well, I let you watch when I broke up with my last guy.
No, you didn't.
Oh, really? Well, I have it on videotape.
Would you like to see it?
Get out.
Rose, you sounded so strange on the phone.
Is something wrong? Tell me.
Well, why don't we sit down first?
Oh, boy, you and me snuggling on a couch,
brings back a lot of memories, doesn't it?
Actually, no.
That's what I want to talk to you about.
Thor, ever since you got here,
you've been talking about things we did and things we said,
and I don't remember any of it.
So you don't remember every little detail.
At least, you remember what's important.
You remember the kiss, our first kiss.
Well... This doesn't make any sense.
Rose, maybe you don't remember
because you've suffered some brain damage.
(BLANCHE LAUGHING)
Thor, the one thing I do remember is that
I only went out with you because of Charlie Nylund.
I used you to make Charlie jealous.
It was Charlie I loved, not you.
Oh, I...
I feel so stupid,
so incredibly stupid.
Do you know what it's like to feel this stupid?
(BLANCHE LAUGHING)
BLANCHE: Ow!
Well, I probably should go now.
I've bothered you enough.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Thor.
I'm sorry I don't remember.
Me, too.
Rose? What?
Maybe that'll last me another 40 years.
It was the haystack. What?
Our first kiss.
It was at night, and the air was crisp.
You were wearing a blue and white striped shirt,
and we were in a haystack.
Yes! Yes, that's it!
But you said you couldn't remember.
Well, I guess I just needed a little help.
(SIGHING)
Thank you, Rose. Thank you.
You don't know what that means to me.
Rose, you remembered.
A kiss unlocked your memory.
One doesn't forget a kiss like that.
Oh, that's so romantic.
No, it isn't.
That man didn't know how to kiss 40 years ago,
and he doesn't know how to kiss today.
Now that we've finalized our little arrangement,
I'd like to propose a toast.
To Sophia, whose generosity and kindness of spirit
have given us a gift beyond measure.
I, too, have a toast.
I predict nothing but disaster and tragedy
for everyone connected with this travesty of an idea.
She's not gonna be living with us, is she?
Marvin, I hope you're not boring Sophia with all those photos.
Oh, he's not. I'm enjoying it.
Here's one taken when we first met.
Oh, Sarah, tell them the story.
Oh, they don't want to hear that.
Sure we do.
Well, when I was 19, I answered the door one day
to find the most handsome man I'd ever seen.
He was selling encyclopedias.
And I told him,
"Right now, I can only afford to buy volume one,
"but if you could come back next week, maybe I could buy more."
So for the very next year, he came every week,
and I would buy one volume at a time
until I realized that I had three sets of encyclopedia
and I'd go broke unless I married him.
(LAUGHING)
Well, now, where were we? Uh...
Oh, yes.
I feel a lot better now that we've got everything settled,
so I think we ought to go over all my...
I can't do it.
I can't go through with this.
Ma, what's wrong?
Sophia, what are you talking about?
This just isn't gonna work.
I was doing this because I wanted to help,
because I know what it's like to lose
the most important person in your life,
but this isn't right.
Look, Marvin, I like you,
but I saw how you looked at Sarah a moment ago.
I don't think you could ever look at me that way.
Do you realize how hard it was to find you?
Do you realize how much time we've wasted?
The only time you're wasting
is the time that you and Marvin should be spending together.
You don't know what you're talking about.
This is what Marvin wants.
No, it isn't. Dorothy's right. What?
I never wanted this.
I only went along because it meant so much to you.
Well, I only did it to make you happy.
Sarah, dear, can't we just be together, the two of us?
I feel so guilty for leaving you.
Don't.
I'll be along soon enough.
Ma, come on.
(SIGHING)
I guess we've all learned something from this.
Yeah, you can never really replace someone you've lost,
and the next time I answer an ad,
it'll be from one of Blanche's magazines.
Those people know what they want.
"Retired clergyman seeks companion
"for European tour of ancient cathedrals.
"No prudes."
Circle that. Big star.
Okay, here's another one.
"Recently devastated man seeks companion.
"Enjoys walks in the rain, midnight swims
"and skipping"?
What kind of a jerk would go out with a guy like that?